How To Make Friends

So you’ve woken up suddenly in adulthood, realizing you’ve been chronically online without an ounce of oxytocin, so you search up “how to make friends reddit.” Somehow, that got you here. And no, I’m not projecting.

This list isn’t going to be the same rot you’ve heard before. Yeah, yeah, “have hobbies, find meetups, don’t curb stomp people who sing Wonderwall at karaoke.” I get it. You understand the concept of having a life, you just need a few, more detailed tidbits to help you out.

I’ve got you covered. Here are some of the things I consistently, actively think about if I’m going to interact with other humans on a given day. The first one is something I didn’t even know existed until years after I dropped out of college!

Deodorant

Yes, I know what I actually mean here is antiperspirant, but I didn’t need spellcheck to write ‘deodorant’ so here we are. A good stick of deodorant is a key tool on any aspiring friend’s belt. If you think you don’t need it, you need it the most.

First impressions are important, and people can often smell you before they hear that educated, eloquent wit from your tongue. These little hygiene sticks can be used at home, but also travel with you throughout the day. Want to go out on the town after work, but your pits are oiled up enough dunk a basket of fries into? Boom – deodorant.

Joining a DnD game and the players keep asking if your character is worshipping the god of pestilence? Badabing – deodorant.

Your crush finally talked to you one time? Yeah, I needed deodorant for that, too. No judgement.

And I don’t mean that spray-on crap. Are you trying to cosplay as your old friend that believed those AXE body spray commercials were real, wore oversized shorts with a flat-brim hat sporting the Monster logo, and made social posts about how he was a nice guy, but warning everyone about his “monster within?” Yuck. And how many girlfriends did he have – that weren’t questionably younger than him? That’s what I thought.

Also, aerosol deodorant is bad for you, I guess. But anyway.

Point is, find a deodorant stick with a scent you like (mine’s “Deep Sea”) and check yourself before you sweat yourself. Do that, and your How To Make Friends journey will improve significantly.

Be Nosy

Alright, you managed to waddle on over to your future friends without causing them to turn green and run to the restroom. Now, how do you start a conversation? They’re all sitting around, having a good time. Unless someone is one of those types of extroverts, you’re not just going to be invited in. You have to prove yourself worthy of their banter.

You have to eavesdrop, super spy. Look at your phone, casually read any of our articles full of practical advice. But pay attention to the topic of their discussion. Calculate all of the hundreds of directions the convo can go into, and plan a one-liner for each and every one in just a matter of seconds.

That’s right, you need zingers. People that just go up to strangers and say, “Hey, y’all, how’s it going?” with a warm, genuine smile are more experienced than the scope of this article. Us? We deflect with humor; we mask with humor. We are our zingers. The puns, the witty remarks.

This facade of big-brain-sounding humor is one of our greatest weapuns, so you can shove that up your arsenal.

Remember all those times when you would be in a debate with someone, only to then, hours later, think of some insane comeback that would make modern philosophers drop to their knees with earth-trembling force? This is the time to pull those ideas out of storage. You think of the right remark, and wait for your moment to strike, like a panther in the grass. A punther, even.

You hit it right on the mark, and they’re gonna love you, kid.

Listen

If you’ve been following my advice, you should be in the conversation circle by now, and smelling great to boot! You got your bit in, now is the time for the true friendship audition. You need to prove that you are capable of empathy.

That sounds a lot more complex than it is. All it takes is active listening. Simple, but hard for some.

Active listening isn’t just going “damn that’s crazy” to everything a person says. You gotta pay attention to their story. As someone that spaces out a lot, I know this can feel impossible to overcome at times.

My trick is to visualize their sentences. If they talk about their kid getting their face covered in peanut butter, I imagine the scene in my head. If they talk about their dog dying in an accident, I . . . well . . . geez . . . I need a second.

The point is, having some way you can comfortably connect your brain to the conversation – whether its visualization or mentally repeating the words as they’re spoken – is the basic cheat to do the listening thing.

But what if you don’t care about their topic? It’s not interesting enough to stimulate your wi-fi warrior brain? Well, did you know that you can try to care, even if you don’t think you do at the time? Even if all you’re doing is listening, conversations aren’t a one-way street. Caring about what someone is saying doesn’t have to be a natural, “I do or I don’t” thing. You can actually try caring, it’s neat!

If you really want to skip the “just talking” part, you could always suggest a game. Something kinesthetic, that also helps to prove how funny you are. In fact, I have a great game recommendation right here! Wowzers in my trousers!

Offer Them Money

Is none of this working out for you? Luckily, our current society runs on a pay-2-win model!

Now, as opposed to the humor-laden performance I suggested previously, this method definitely requires a direct approach. Pull out the cash, wave it in front of their nostrils, and say “this is yours if you pretend to be my friend. And there’s more where that came from.”

Even if there isn’t more where that came from, maybe they’ll enjoy pretending so much that they’ll actually be your friend later. Maybe.

Now, this tactic also requires finesse on your part. The person probably has never experienced this situation, and you want to keep them comfortable. Be sure to use affirmations, such as “Don’t worry, you are not a hooker. That would be a legitimate occupation, and I wouldn’t judge you if you were, but you’re not.”

This can be a good tactic to get some actors, too. You can pay them to act as your friend, so you can hone the “Listening” skill. Then you can dismiss that nobody and put your practice to work on the people you really want to be friends with.

(P.S. I’ll be that nobody that you pay to be your pretend friend for acting purposes)

Touch Grass

Alright, fine! I caved! Yes, “do stuff” is probably the most common response when someone asks how to make friends. It’s the thing that works. That gets you to the place where you can do all the other things on this list. Touch grass, as in go outside, as in do stuff.

r/thanksimcured is going to ban me for this one, but negative site traffic is still site traffic, baby!

The point they’d make over there, though, is that a lot of people that have severe anxiety, depression, etc. already know that going out and doing stuff is how to make friends. But for some, that advice is like telling a working-class American citizen they just need to make more money and have a better work-life balance. Like yeah, dude, they know.

That’s why this advice, though it is valid for finding new relationships, is exhausting to hear.

At the very least, though, thanks to the internet, we can connect to people more easily than before. Even if you can’t go out to that miniature figure painting event at your local game store for whatever reason, maybe you can find a mini painting community online to share your work with.

Sure, there are debates to be had over whether these connections are as valid as IRL friendships, but we at Squazzed are not social scientists! We make funny games and give out bad advice. Later, tater. (and then you say “goodbye, fry!”)