Looking for a gift that’ll blow someone’s peel off? Get your Christmas checklist ripe and ready, and you’ll be ticking off those names effortlessly. Sometimes you don’t want to put too much thought into what tickles the fancy of your creepy uncle, or the interests of your incel brother (who will be bringing his body pillow partner to Christmas dinner, by the way). Here at Squazzed, we’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.
The inappropriate uncle who is perpetually single
Got a handsy uncle that makes you feel uncomfortable, but you’re obligated to buy a gift for them? We’ve got just the thing. He’s probably currently got a dating profile that’s packed with unrealistic expectations, and photographs displaying a hairline from at least 15 years ago, right? So why not lend a hand to his love life (no, not like that), and gift him a signature scent that’ll get all the ladies whipping their peels off. This cologne describes itself as an ‘enticing treat with every spray’, and comprises of an appeeling blend of banana, liqueur, and brown sugar.
The mother-in-law who hates anything fun
Sure, she probably drives you round the bend, but you have to buy her something. You’ve heard women like candles, and that sounds like just enough to satisfy the social contract of gift giving. Neat! Here’s our pick of a candle that insinuates just how old she is, which as a bonus also has the potential to make the gift exchange process pretty awkward, if it’s being unwrapped with an audience. Beware of the passive aggressive regift, you may see this one reappear in the next church raffle.
The adult child living in their parent’s basement
Just like how every bridge has a troll living under it, you’ll find a similar kind of basement dweller living at your parents, oh, and both can be summoned with the fragrant aroma of a meat feat pizza. This Christmas, treat them to something they’ll proudly display in their subterranean pit, amidst the tired dog-eared posters and empty energy drink cans. Yes, it’s even retractable. So when m’lady does make it back to his humble abode, she’ll be so distracted by this sword’s fine craftsmanship, that she won’t even notice the stench.
The rad Dad who’s not afraid to keep it peel
If your Dad is no stranger to unleashing a banana at a moments notice, he’ll be ready to rock this fit like it was made just for him. He’ll be the talk of the office when he enters the boardroom wearing one of these bad boys. Or maybe your Dad is chronically uncool, and you’ve always thought he needed a little help in the swag department, if so, this is the ideal way to give that subtle hint. For drinks after winning that big client, why not go big or go home with this combo. You’ve heard of double denim, well this is the next biggest thing, double banana-ing.
The Mom who loves you (and bananas) a whole bunch
If the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree, then your Mom probably loves those long yellow friends as much as you do, she just might not want to shout it from the rooftops. A little jewelry is the perfect way to whisper an affinity to fruit, without initiating the PTA rumor mill. For date night with Dad, she may even want to pair them with pendant, although you don’t want your Dad to get too excited, in case he mistakes Mom being a fruit fancier, as a message of a different nature.
The wife who already hates your guts
Looking to offend your wife in three easy steps? With this tactical trio, you can insinuate that she needs to exercise more, she stinks, and she needs to get back in the kitchen, all in one incredible move. She is sure to swooning over your selections, and appreciate your trifecta of thoughtfulness for her wellbeing, and you most definitely wont be sleeping on the sofa that night.
The Grandparent that wishes you’d visit more
If your grandparents have a yard filled with slightly odd ornaments, heres another object of questionable taste to throw into the mix. Even if they hate it, they’re sure to still give it pride of place, just because they are just so proud of their grandkids, and everyone from the cashier in Walmart, to any stranger that happens to walk by, will be hearing about it. But hey, you’ve probably had your fair share of weird gifts from them over the years, including clothing 5 sizes wrong, and trinkets loosely related to interests you made a passing comment about 10 years prior.
The friend with a rotten sense of humor
Know someone that’s difficult to buy for? Whether they’ve been naughty or nice, Fanatics Gone Bananas makes the perfect gift. In fact, if they have been naughty, they’ll especially enjoy the bonus rotten card pack included for players aged 17 and up. The game revolves around laying the perfect responses to a series of themed prompts. The one who plays the most entertaining answers will be crowned Top Banana, in this hilarious party game that’ll make everyone’s sides split with laughter.
The tree that longs for long adornments
You’ve made like Santa and ticked those names off your gift list like a pro, now it’s time to put your feet up, let a warm glass of nog slide down your throat, and throw another banana on the fire. You’re almost ripe and ready for the big day, but your Christmas tree may be missing a certain something. We bet all your friends and family are sure to be green with envy, when you add a little pizzazz to the tree, with a banana ornament or two.